Eating Struggles-The continuum.

As I try to mentally recover from the insanity of yesterday's Girl Scout Cookie craziness I am compelled to confess that I feel no closer to resolving my food and scale issues today than I was a year ago. Today the scale says 153 after saying 152 yesterday and no matter the true weight and cause of fluctuation, I find myself wondering about why it's so important. Not the eating healthy. NOT the need to develop a eat to live and not live to eat attitude. Not the need to exercise daily. I want to know Why the number is still so important to me. Since my clothes fit no differently and everyone thought I looked amazing in my leggings and tunic top yesterday, why does the scale still matter? Why if it's high do I feel like a failure and if it's low do I think it's permission to eat crazily? I know these questions aren't truly answerable, but to have an answer and solution. Would it feel as good as I want to believe it would? Would it change the behavior?

you know. The pavlovian response to eat carbs when stressed? To eat instead of yell in frustration or anger? To eat when lonely or sad or just tired? One of the signatures on my message board reads: If hunger isn't the problem, then food won't solve it. While I know that to be true intellectually, the high of sinking my teeth into a really flaky chocolate croissant filled with chocolate the consistency of mousse or the sensual pleasure of feeling creamy, warm macaroni and cheese slide down my throat on a cold day, seem powerful enough to override the negative feelings and thoughts in my head. The anticipation of them dampens all intellectual reasoning with the chant: this time the good feeling will last a while. But the chant is a lie. And all too quickly I'll be back to my negative thoughts plus the burden of knowing I ate something I really didn't need. I'll still be tired, but now full and sluggish to boot. Why can't celery be comfort food? Or chocolate non caloric? When will my brain rewire? When will I recognize that emotional hurt can't be satisfied by a full stomach? These are the thoughts I have today. The struggles I continue to fight for tomorrow. I'm thinner and I look REALLY good in leggings and boots, but am I really any healthier? I just don't know.

Bagel Me Pink

I know it's miraculous that I've posted again so soon, but I had to share! Kathryn, the beautiful diabetic (see favorite links), posted a bagel recipe and I had to make some. Easier than I would have ever imagined, healthy and yummy to boot! Here they are after cooling down:

This morning I had something I've been wanting for a while without worrying about those pesky points. A bagel with cream cheese and smoked salmon! A little spinach and a few scallion slices to make it pretty! Thanks Kathryn!!